I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
