fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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