My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
