Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
