i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
