Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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