Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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