My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
