I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
