If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
