i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
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i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
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Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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