Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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