i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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