I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
