or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
