apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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