Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
