I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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