What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
