What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
