Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
