whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
