The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
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