Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
