I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
