i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
