My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
