Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
