I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Someone came in the potted fern
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
