you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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