Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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