i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
There's always time for handjobs
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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