just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
