Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
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