dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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