we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
