we made out on top of his cat.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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