I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
