Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
