My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
