I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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