i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
