i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
