I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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