your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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