i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
