I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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