Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
