U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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