please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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