I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
