Define "chronic" masturbator.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
