Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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