im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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