I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
