I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
