I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
