just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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